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Friday, January 20, 2012

For Me

May is a hard time for me. Mother’s Day is now bittersweet. When a child loses their parents they are an orphan. When a mother loses her child she is still a mother. I learned I lost Josiah, my fourth child, shortly after Mother’s Day 2003.

I had to go to the hospital on the 22nd. My body was as much in denial as I was in disbelief

All last week I kept thinking of an appropriate tribute. “I want to do something for him.” 

Yesterday, the 22nd, I finally came to the honest realization I wanted to do something for me.

There is nothing I can do for him, in that is the sweetness. He has no needs or wants, no pain or struggles.

I am the one with needs and wants. I want someone to understand. I want someone to know I am missing Josiah. I want others to know I see the missing part they don’t even know exists, almost every day. My quiver is not quite full, and never will be while bound in this earthen vessel.

I can do nothing for Josiah, but honor him.
His name means Jehovah heals. So I will work to rest in and embrace Jehovah’s healing. It is not the way I would have chosen, but God will continue to redeem Josiah’s death for my good and His glory.

The bitter fades and the sweet grows every year.

Josiah is in my cloud of witnesses and I hope to make him proud.

So this is for me. I love you son.

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