Let the Wind Blow: Revisit and Update

Maybe it the season. Maybe it's about dreaming.
I want to share this post again. The original portion was two years ago, updated a few months later.

A post about a storm in my life... (read the post by clicking the link below)
 Let the Wind Blow: I originally posted this in April. I really need the reminder today as the clean up continues. God is faithful, in him I put my trust. ...

April 2013
The winds of that storm rarely gust anymore. A great measure of healing has come. Most of the big trees survived and are doing well, some we're still loving and praying for recovery. I feel we're in a long winter. It's hard to tell about the flowers and the gardens. I long for spring. I long for big projects and improvements, but sense it will only be a season of cleaning, repairing, mending - being faithful in small things before larger things are revealed.

New winds are stirring. I pray for warm, encouraging south winds. I know there are cold, harsh north winds. This creates the whirlwind to transform me to His image.

While I long to see the end result I will choose to be content knowing I am on the Rock that will not be shaken though all else is shaken.

But for God, Part of My Story

Early morning. Not ready to start my day. The alarm is about to go off. My head hurts. Rollover to sleep a little more. Now the news is on. I know if I don’t get up now I’ll go back to sleep and ruin my morning, lose my time with Brian. Little did I know I may have ended my life. I stumbled to the bathroom. Reading a devotion first thing has become a habit. December 4 shared verses carrying God’s promise to answer when we cry out to him. Off to the kitchen to get our coffee. The alarm has now gone off. Brian is waiting for me to bring the coffee.

Queasiness, shaky, headache, cold sweat. I sit down. Feeling better I rise again. I’ll get the coffee and go sit in bed. I should feel better soon. No, better sit down again. I wake up on the kitchen floor and make my way onto the seat I had tried for a moment ago. I sit with head in hands wondering, “What could this be?”, “How could I get so sick so fast?” “This is the worst flu ever!” My questions interrupted by the sound of a waking child. The sounds tell me they are not feeling well either. It is far too early for them to be awake. I begin to rise. No, I’d better let them wake their dad. It would not be good for me to pass out again trying to help.

In the bathroom I hear son and husband. My son feels like I do. I make my way into the bathroom and sit on the floor. The eldest comes moaning and stumbling. Crashing into the door frame. Collapse. Now the youngest, into the bathroom. Collapse. Oh God, what is this! I grab the devotion from the counter and begin reading, wailing, crying out as never before. “We need an answer, God!” “We need you, God!” “What do we do? What is wrong?” “You promised to answer as we cry out!”
Now even the dog is collapsed in our midst, all of us in our small bathroom.

Revelation comes. “It’s carbon monoxide! Get out of the house!” Brian has received our answers. Thank you, Lord. I would have comforted my children to death, sitting and consoling while we breathed in our death. Time for action. Grab sleeping bags, the blankets off the bed. Out into the cold, only slightly sheltered, windy, entry. Wrap the blankets around our three precious blessings. Dog collapsed in their midst. He’ll help keep them warm. Into the house to get clothes, open windows, shut off the boiler, read what to do. Back comes the sickness.

We’re cold. We’re sick. Our home is not safe. Off to a friend’s warm fire. He’ll be up getting ready for work. We know we need fresh air. Pure life giving, no more poison. We have no insurance. Going to the emergency room is not happening if we only need fresh air. “I’ll call my mom” our friend suggests. She’ll know what to do. “Call poison control.” her wise advice.

We have headaches and nausea. Feeling much better now.
Go to the hospital. "You need treatment."
Back in the van.

Off to the hospital. They will be expecting us. Oxygen masks, blood draws, pregnancy test for me. A baby would suffer most from this poison. Questions. Waiting. More questions. “You need hyperbaric treatment to remove the poison.”

Poison it seems has a very strong hold. Only in a pure and pressurized enviornment can the blood be cleansed. No driving this time. Ambulance ride. Oxygen masks. Another doctor. Climb into a big steel air tank. Cushions on the floor. No crayons, no pens, no watches. No children’s sized masks. We make due. The staff serves us. Going down takes an hour. Children learn to clear their ears. Brian ruptures something in his sinus. Painful to increase the pressure. Waiting. We must stay down for 6 hours. Watching movies we can’t hear. Answering questions. Can we focus? Can we think? Break from the masks. Back on again. Tired. Thankful. Holding on masks. Holding our children. No real idea how close we were to holding them in heaven.

Coming back up goes better. “How did you get here?” “Did you call the fire department?”
“We woke up. We drove.”

That’s not possible. Your oxygen level was so low you shouldn’t have even been able to wake up. This after 2 hours is fresh air. For the first time I realize I almost died. Almost lost my husband, my children. It’s too much to take in.

Friends are waiting. Welcoming. Providing. Loving. Dinner is ready. We will stay as long as we need to. Their hospitality overwhelms me. We eat. We sleep. Another treatment tomorrow.

Why this day, December 4? Normally I am home. This day, missed appointments. I missed taking my children to ring the bell for Salvation Army. I missed an appointment with my Pastor’s wife. Brian and I missed an appointment with an investment counselor.

God saved us. Why? Saved me! Why? How do I live to make it worth His while? How do I make the most of my second chance? Where do we go from here? Deeper into His love. Stronger on His promises. Reflect more often. Live a life of gratitude. I am here for a reason. You are here for a reason. To know, love, and enjoy our Father God and bring Him glory.

Now there are the bills. Lessons in resting in God’s provision. “He kept us alive, He will pay the bill.” He has. He will continue. We trust Him more. We aim to live with more purpose, more faith.
I still need to be saved, cleansed. Saved from my self-centeredness. Cleansed from my sin, my ungodly way of thinking. The salvation and cleansing are mine. Jesus did die. He lives so I may live.
He lives so you may live.

Why Do You Love Me?

First posted on March 7, 2010

I used to ask my precious husband this question frequently, especially when I was not feeling at all loveable. Sometimes he would give me reasons and sometimes he would say something like, “Because I want to.” That would make me so mad! How could someone love me just because they want to when I am such a mess and so unworthy! I wanted him to affirm me, tell me I was loveable for something I did or was. It took me years to realize how foolish this was. Somewhere along the line I realized that being loved because someone chose to love me was the best possible kind of love. If they chose to love me, then it didn’t matter how I looked or acted they would still love me. However if someone loved me for my talent, what would happen if I lost my talent? If they loved me for my looks and I lost my looks? How insecure that love would be based on things or circumstances. The only way my husband can love me this way is because God has given him that love.

This is how God loves each person. God loves us, loves me. Because I was worthy? No. Because I was good? No. Because I loved Him? Again, no. God loves me because He chose to. The Creator God of the universe chooses to love me! He also chooses to love you. Because God is changeless He will never “unchoose” to love me or you. One day when the children were watching “Clifford, The Big Red Dog” on PBS this truth came to me again. I know PBS is not where you’d expect to get a revelation of God’s love, but He will use whatever is available I guess. The theme song says “Clifford needed Emily so she chose him for her own.” Why did Emily choose Clifford? Because he needed her. God chose us because we needed Him to choose us. He chose to love us while we were against Him. If He had not chosen us there would be no way for us to ever come to Him. Being chosen to be loved just because is the best way to be loved.

You can be a blessing to your spouse by choosing to love them with God’s kind of love, love that doesn’t change with moods or circumstances. If you are blessed enough to be married to someone who chooses to truly love you bless them by receiving their love, just because.

Resting in Commitment

“…for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the LORD do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me." Ruth 1:16b-17

This week my husband and I will be celebrating 18 years of marriage.  We have had hard times, but not usually with each other. We have seen couples around us fall apart. Thankfully we have also seen some make the commitment to make their marriage work. We’ve had many discussions over the years as to why our marriage seems to be different. One thing we have seen is commitment.

We committed to each other, before we got married and publicly when we did, that we would stay together forever. We meant it, as I’m sure most couples do. More than just having the best of intentions we knew there was no way out so the only choice is to make it work. There is a peace, a rest that comes from knowing someone has that kind of commitment to you. Energy is not spent on wondering what will happen or if this mess is bad enough to make them leave. I can rest in his love for me because I didn’t earn it and we both know I don’t deserve it.

So much like my Father and my Savior. I can rest, though I often don’t, in His love for me. No mess I ever make will remove me from His love – He already died for me! Why would he give up on me now? I can rest in His plans for me. I can rest in His protection and taking up my case.  His commitment to me does not depend on my commitment to Him. I am committed to Him, and that opens the door to relationship. My failing to keep my commitment to Him also does not affect His commitment to me. 

That is commitment I can rest in.

Question: How do you view commitment?

Challenge: Is there a commitment you need to look at again? Take a closer look at God's commitment to you.

The List That Matters

I am a list person.

I like to write lists, especially of things to do. Not so good at doing the lists, but I love to write them. It feels productive and clears out my head.

I was inspired last week by Amy Volk to write the list that matters. When I go to sleep at night, when another month or year has passed, when I’m ready to leave this world, what really matters?

My List That Matters

• Believe and receive God’s unfathomable love for me. This is hard, but I’m getting better.
• Live out my relationship with God honestly in front of my children. I want them to know God. It would break my heart for them to have a religion or a head filled with facts about God and not know him.
• Learn to communicate effectively. Practice with my husband and children. I struggle with know when and what to say. I guess that’s why I like to write, I can edit. My thoughts come out more clearly on paper than when I speak, too.
• Schedule time where no work, research, or internet is allowed. Even though I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom I think I would qualify as a workaholic. I am almost always with my children, but rarely 100%. I think this can be more damaging. If I was gone working they would not see me for a logical reason. How hard when I’m there but always “too busy” or have “things I need to get done”.
• Enjoy & bless my children. Each is such a precious gift. They have all entered double digits and I know my time is short. There is so much more I want to teach them, so much more I want to do with them. I want strong relationships with them so we will stay in relationship when they are grown.
• Practice gratitude. Focusing on the good is another area that needs lots of work. I will speak a grateful thought when I think it. I will look for things to be thankful for. Express specific thanks to my husband for the wonderful man he is.
• Make time for friends. Last year was very tough. Through the struggles and changes I did not create time to get together with friends, for me or my children. Time to start again.
• Pray instead of worrying or obsessing. I never thought I was a worrier. I don’t worry about big things. I worry about how I come across or how I’ll be received. I obsess about how to deal with something, or talk about something. This obsessing of mine I have come to see is worry. God has it all under control and supplies my every need, even the right words or strategies. I’m learning to walk in that truth.
• Equip my children for the victorious life Jesus suffered for them to have. Each of us was created for good works; know by God before time began. I want my children to know how they were made with personality strengths and weaknesses, gifting, interests, and skills. I want them to understand scripture and all God has in store for them. I want them to know his voice.
• Create a weekly time to refocus on this List That Matters.

Question: What’s on your list that matters? Do your actions match your list?

Challenge: Write your own List That Matters. Find one thing you change if life right now doesn’t match your list.

Returning and Resting

Psalm 116:7  Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee.

As I was searching my computer for a couple of posts I had started about rest I was refreshed to come across This BelovedRoad by Amy Layne Litzelman. In her passage titled, The Most Perfect Place, I found these thoughts on rest.

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength …

Isaiah 30:15 (amp)

But to truly be in him is to be in a place of total trust and confidence in who he is. If we are sliding around in worry or frustration, we may be somewhere close to him, but we aren’t resting in him.

I’m talking about is being saved every single day from the restlessness and anxiety of the world around us. God wants to lead us to a place of assurance where we know that we can relax and lean back in to him because we know how much he loves us—how much we can trust every plan he has for us, every word of direction he speaks to us.

…a place of being able to lean our entire heart, mind, soul, and being on Jesus—a true place of rest.   …he’s not supposed to be a vacation spot. He is home.

(emphasis mine)

It is in returning and resting. Not returning and striving and weeping and trying. Resting.

I must return before I can rest. How do I return? Returning is coming back, thinking his thoughts over our own. Returning may be re-turning – turning again and again. New habits of rest must be formed. When I begin to worry I must turn again to his rest. His promise to be all I need.

To be very honest these words spoke to me so strongly because somehow I find myself in a place where the daily restlessness and anxiety is running, and ruining, my life.

I have often said that it was easy for me to trust God with the big things. My entire family suffered carbon monoxide poisoning in 2007. With no insurance and no assistance and no steady income we had a bill of $100,000. I never worried about it. God provided for the debt to be reduced by 70% and provides money every month to make our payment.

Yet some days I have what must be a mild, and sometimes more severe, panic attack trying to plan an afternoon of errands or decide what to make for dinner. Simple daily decisions often bring on a meltdown. I have made this worse by hiding it. My children know I’m not okay, they have to live with me. I try to shelter them and keep it together, but I don’t always manage. I do my absolute best to keep everything together around anyone else, my husband included. 

How could I, a published author, posting blogs about living for God, be such a basketcase. How can I who longs to turn the world upside down for the Kingdom be overwhelmed with managing my own home? I don’t know. Perhaps by spending too long near Jesus and not in him. Visiting, vacationing, but not moving in.

I’m changing residence.

I am returning – again, and learning to rest.

What are your experiences with rest? Does it come easy? Are there seasons?

Committed

Friendship

Commitment

Fun

Sweet

Special

Loved

Wonderful

Blessed

For over 20 years we have been committed. Committed to one another. Committed to our future. Committed to our children. 

It's not always fun, it's not all been easy - yet so much easier because we were committed. We knew regardless of what hard thing life brought our way we were going through it together. 

There would still be us at the end.

How has commitment or lack of it affected your relationships? 

For Me

May is a hard time for me. Mother’s Day is now bittersweet. When a child loses their parents they are an orphan. When a mother loses her child she is still a mother. I learned I lost Josiah, my fourth child, shortly after Mother’s Day 2003.

I had to go to the hospital on the 22nd. My body was as much in denial as I was in disbelief. 

All last week I kept thinking of an appropriate tribute. “I want to do something for him.” 

Yesterday, the 22nd, I finally came to the honest realization I wanted to do something for me.

There is nothing I can do for him, in that is the sweetness. He has no needs or wants, no pain or struggles.

I am the one with needs and wants. I want someone to understand. I want someone to know I am missing Josiah. I want others to know I see the missing part they don’t even know exists, almost every day. My quiver is not quite full, and never will be while bound in this earthen vessel.

I can do nothing for Josiah, but honor him.
His name means Jehovah heals. So I will work to rest in and embrace Jehovah’s healing. It is not the way I would have chosen, but God will continue to redeem Josiah’s death for my good and His glory.





The bitter fades and the sweet grows every year.

Josiah is in my cloud of witnesses and I hope to make him proud.

So this is for me. I love you son.

More of Letting Go

Ann Voskamp shared this in her weekend links.

Letting go of the life I had planned. 

Letting go of dreams unfulfilled. 

Letting go of the hurt, confusion and disappointment.

Holding to the one who holds my future. 

Holding to Father God. 

Holding to the one who died for me. 

Holding to Jesus. 

Holding to the one who lives with in me. 

Holding to Holy Spirit.

Waiting for the life He has for me.

Of all else I'm letting go.

Of All Else I’m Letting Go

Yesterday, as too many other days recently, I was losing the battle with my emotions. I was a pathetic wreck. I have been holding onto a great many things. Hurt. Confusion. Insecurity. Want. Fear. Loneliness. Sin. Perfection.

This morning as a started my day in quiet I thought “What truth was I going to in the torrent of negative emotions and lies?” It had to have been God asking. I’m so thankful he always speaks to me. All I have to do is listen. I realized I had not gone to God, or any of his truth. I simply kept telling myself I needed to “pull it together” so I could function and not have a wasted day. By shifting gears to work I was distracted enough to have a relatively productive day. However when God asked me what truth I went to I realized I missed his plan and power.

This morning at the end of service the phrase “of all else I’m letting go” started running through my mind. Holding on to anything but Jesus is holding onto captivity and defeat so of all else I’m letting go. I don’t want any of it anyway. Why keep it? I am holding on to Jesus. Truth.

The words above are the truth I am clinging to and meditating on for now. I am hanging it where I can read it multiple times a day, in front of where I sit for meals and lessons and in the bathroom.   

Ask yourself, “What truth am I going to hold onto?”

If our hands our full of “our stuff” we cannot hold on to Jesus.


To print your own follow this link.

Joining Gabby Moms in 2012

I am honored to be part of Gabby Moms 2012. Never heard of Gabby Moms? Here's how they say it:

We are wives.

We are moms.

We are homemakers.

And most importantly, we are followers of Jesus, seeking to follow His word in creating our homes and shaping our families for Him!

The Gabby Moms are a group of mom bloggers who review products for Eternal Encouragement Magazine (formerly TEACH Magazine).

(Click here for more about Gabby Moms)

Every month there will be a review of a product that will help you as a wife, mom, homemaker and especially a follower of Jesus. Lorrie Flem of Eternal Encouragement Magazine has a wonderful ministry and heart for mentoring women. I so look forward to what I will learn from the other Gabby Moms this year.

Will I Ever Get This Right? features my first review for Gabby Moms.
If you have found me because of Gabby Moms allow me to introduce myself. I live in Alaska with my high school sweetheart and our three children. The oldest is 12 and we have educated them at home since birth :) My youngest awaits us in heaven. We have farmed and been in business for ourselves. We are now transitioning into my husband having a regular job. Along with being a  wife, mom, homemaker and follower of Jesus I am an author. My first book, Christmas is About Jesus was released in 2009 and Easter is About Jesus will be released in 2012. Both are devotional books for families.

If you're a Gabby Mom please say "Hi" and leave your contact information.

Sure I’m Thankful

There are things I am not happy about, I wish were different, wish hadn’t happened.

I’m not complaining.

I’m thankful.

However I don’t know that anyone can tell I’m thankful because I’m not expressing gratitude.

Thankfulness has been hard this season. Don’t get me wrong. I know I am blessed beyond the majority of the population with the orphans, poverty and wars.

Getting this knowledge out of my lips or finger tips has not been happening.  Maybe this knowledge hasn’t really gotten to my heart.

I have not been giving my thanks, not praising, not expressing gratitude. 

I’ve meant to. 

I’ve tried to think of creative ways to record our thanks as a family as we have in the past. I guess I couldn’t force my kids to list things they were thankful for when I wasn’t doing it myself.

I have thought of things I’m thankful for. There are many. 

Over and over they are lost in my emotions instead of expressed or treasured.

So my challenge to you and to myself is to slow down and let the knowledge of God’s goodness penetrate my heart so deeply that it must flow out in endless praise.

Enjoy your family.

May you be blessed and be a blessing this Thanksgiving!

Do you ever struggle with being thankful?

How have you been thankful in spite of negative emotions? 

Will I Ever Get This Right?

“You guys! Stop that!”

Unfortunately this was me, sounding just like I do not want my children to sound.

Raised voice, sarcasm and sharpness have been too frequent here lately. Life seems to have gotten the better of me and I find myself short of patience - grumpy, stressed and a bad example. 

I have grown and it happens less often, but I need a refresher on occasion. Yelling: The Cause, The Causalty, The Cure by Lorrie Flem came at such a time.

Slowing down to read Lorrie’s ebook I was reminded of many things I know, but forgot, like:

• The difference prayer makes. – How can I forget my greatest resource? 
• Taking time to train my children. – They are children. They don’t know everything even when they try to tell me otherwise! 
• Prepare for our life – as it is – not as I want it. Being prepared and realistic saves so much stress, thus reducing the tendency to yell. 
• Give myself grace. I’m a work in progress, just like my children. I will mess up. I will try again. 

I liked this specific, practical idea as well:

• Schedule a funny movie. – I’m not very good at fun. I need to lighten up. 

If things are a less pleasant than you would like in your home right now pick up a copy of Lorrie’s book for some good reminders. She included a great list of verses on prayer and forgiveness, too.

I'm off with a new commitment to bathe myself, my children, and my day in prayer. I will never get it right, but I m loved by the One who already has.


Here's where to find it as well as Lorrie's many other helpful tools:

EE website: http://www.eternalencouragement.com/
Product page: http://www.eternalencouragement.com/theshop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=83&products_id=1010

Frustration

I really wish I would follow my own advice. I really can be quite wise. I have stores of God’s truth and great teaching to draw from. However… lately I don’t realize it until I hear myself telling someone else. Frustrating!

Frustration is far too common an emotion for me, especially recently. We have had some big changes and losses this year as a family. Dealing with hard things in relationship is my largest weakness I think. 

My son and I often clash. This leads to frustration between us and toward ourselves. He is so much like me in his self talk. It really makes me wish I had done so much more growing before he was born, yet often I fail to do the work to grow now. More frustration. I have grown. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I have grown. Trouble is I can’t pinpoint what changed things for me. I can’t give my son the “fix” for his hurting heart. More frustration.  Worse yet, sometimes I’m still doing exactly the same thing! FRUSTRATION!

I know that living out my growth in front of him will be most helpful. He has to know how to turn to God – no, to abide in God. He will learn it best by seeing it lived out. So I will continue to learn to abide and to grow.

Yesterday I was looking at a personality profile for some reminders on what my son needs. I remembered thinking there was helpful information for my parenting when I had taken it a couple of years ago.  One of the charts shows typical irritations for each personality type. Sources of irritation for my son include: indecisiveness, lack of - discipline, plan, purpose, direction, authority, control, and challenge (this list describes my typical day if I’m not really on top of it!) Sources of irritation for me: incompetence, disorganization, foolishness, dishonesty, inaccuracy, wastefulness, inconsistency, false impressions (the things on this list I don’t do, he does) No wonder I’m frustrated. I do most of the things on my list of irritations! If you’ll look at the list you see that means I do most of the things on his list, too!  

His responses to pressure are also like hair triggers for me and mine for him. It’s helpful just to know, or be reminded. I realized when he was very young that God was going to use my son to shape me into who he wants me to be, who I need to be to fulfill my destiny. I lost sight of that though. All I was seeing was the conflict, the hurt, the suffering relationship. I’m not sure how to keep my focus, but I will learn.  I have to. My relationship with my son may not survive and certainly won’t thrive if I do not. Neither of us would be who God designed for us to be. He will strengthen me and I will soften him. Soften not crush.

Everyone needs tools to be successful, even in relationships. My tool box is far too empty. Even the good tools I’ve picked up over the years have been going unused. My children will only know how to use the tools I use. Lately that’s been yelling, ignoring and talking too much. So it’s time to go tool shopping. As I discover new tools or rediscover old ones I’ll share them here and I hope you will do the same.

What relational tools do you use?

What tools do you wish you knew how to use better?

Is there a need in a relationship you need a new tool for?

Personality information taken from Uniquely You Resources www.myuy.com

In the Dark

He fulfills the desire of those who fear him: he hears their cry and saves them.

Psalm 145:19

During our devotions on Friday we asked God to show us what he wanted to say to us through this verse. I got this picture. I felt like my family was all inside a very dark room. It’s sad, lonely, heavy, and confused.  There is a blinding light shining through the crack of the door. The light is frightening. It hurts our eyes. Yet as we gaze we know everything we are longing for is in the light. Intense warmth and comfort. Enlightenment. Understanding. Peace.

Unfortunately the door stayed closed. I don’t know if that means we have not opened it or something else or nothing at all. For myself I think I have not opened the door. My head knows all I need and long for is in the light, but my heart is afraid. I will continue to rest in what I know is true. This too will be shaped by his loving hands for my good. I will learn to know him more and bask in his light.

Thinking on this yesterday I had some more insights I wanted to share.

Inside the room is my perspective. Out in the light is God’s perspective, not limited by walls.

Jesus stands at the door and knocks and he will come in. Having Jesus in me, in my circumstances, in my dark room is good. 

However, I have to leave the room, step out into God’s light to be in Jesus – to be abiding. This is where I am going – abiding. Abiding in him, in his light.

Thoughts for Authors: On to Production:

Thoughts for Authors: On to Production: Just yesterday I received an email from my publisher notifying me that within the next 10 business days I would hear about the production ...

Visit my authors blog to keep up on the process of my next book.

Looking Around in Pruning

Pastor Paul’s message on pruning was a challenging one. 

It is hard to look up and see that I do not know God like I think I do, or want to. I do not know him like I need to for this pruning to be as effective as I long for it to be. What makes it harder is knowing he has been calling me to more time with him, the intimacy I long for, yet I’ve neglected him in the everyday busyness and tasks.

Looking back can be “If only” and “Why didn’t I?” The “Why didn’t I?” can be helpful if I gain insight into changes to make. If it stays in discouragement the pruning will have to continue.

Looking inside is such a mess! Up and down. Hope and confusion. Seeing God and losing all focus.

Looking forward is hard right now, too. Sometimes I can’t see what it looks like at all. Other times I can see things far too large and distant to be helpful. Sometimes I look too far forward and I am missing what I need to be doing now. 

Still processing and choosing God's word above my feelings, harder sometimes than others. More successful sometimes than others also.

Are you going through pruning? Have you taken a good look around?

Let the Wind Blow

I originally posted this in April. I really need the reminder today as the clean up continues. God is faithful, in him I put my trust.


The wind has been howling outside, not just blowing, really strong, destructive winds for much of the winter. My husband farms so he’s out in it all day every day. It really wears him out. The wind makes things so much harder to deal with at the farm. It’s draining just listening to the storm rage, especially at night as the snow blasts the house as another gust strikes.
I felt as I sang that the winds are blowing in our life, too, harsh winds of testing. The song says “I will not be afraid, I will face the wind”. I thought about hiding in the cleft of the rock, sheltered from the wind. The circumstances may howl but I am safe in God. I don’t know if I need to face the wind or simply hang on and thank Him for preserving me through it. 
Then I thought of the house built on the rock. I like to remember that it stood firm. You know you sing the song about the foolish man and the wise man. The wise man’s house stands firm. Firm through what? A storm, a storm strong enough to demolish another house! So in the story, Jesus, His Word, God Himself is our rock upon which we build. Building there ensures our house will stand, not that storms will not blow. I always picture this house on somewhat of a cliff, like bedrock. In an area that gets wind this would get the brunt of it. This morning I could not sing that I would not be afraid. I don’t want to admit it but I am afraid. Not scared, not losing my faith, not in danger of my house falling down, but anxious, worried, confused. Fear sneaks in. Fear is at the root of all those things.
My picture went on. The house is on the rock, solid and safe. Around the house I have put a lot of work, sweat, blood and tears into landscaping. There are beautiful large trees planted specially in just the right spot. There are some shrubs, beautiful with fragrant flowers in the spring. On one side there are more evergreens. These not so old, still many years of growing ahead. Near the house are flower beds, cultivated, planned and collected for years. There are benches near the memory garden for quiet reflection. Last of all are the fruit trees. Loved and longed for fruit trees. They were planted a few years ago, tended and protected until they can mature and bear fruit. They are so close. But now the storm! The winds! The winds are raging. They have been blowing for months. I don’t know when they will stop. I don’t know what will be left of my plans and dreams, all my hard work, when they do.
I know I am safe in my house. I know some of the things that are established and secure in my house, my marriage, my children, all our needs are met. But the storm! I can’t stay inside my house and pretend the wind isn’t blowing. Neither can I go out to protect my trees and flowers, my dreams. The storm is too strong. It seems all I can do is wait out the storm and see what remains. What will God preserve for me?
I am not satisfied with this seemingly helpless waiting. Didn’t God tell me to plant those trees, at least some of them? Why would he send or allow a storm to destroy what I planted in obedience? What would it mean if the big trees are uprooted in this storm? What if my fruit trees die? What if I only heard part of the instructions? What if I planted an English garden and I was supposed to plant an oriental one? If God told me to plant the trees can I rebuke the wind? What do I do until it stops? 
I must rest in the One who holds the future, not even in His promises, just in Him. It may be that everything I planted was in perfect obedience. It may also be that it needs to be uprooted to make room for His plans for the next season. Only what is pleasing to Him will survive the storm. That has to be okay. In my house is praise, peace, and rest as long as I remember and trust who my God is. I must hold to Him, the dream giver, not to the dream.
These winds of testing can be winds of refreshing if I remember God is in control and working all things, even this storm for my good. I will be stronger. I will be more confident of His voice. I will be refined. Perhaps I will face the wind.
The wind is blowing like never before. Even if nothing is recognizable when the storm is over, it will be okay. Everything will be okay.


As I come back to this a few weeks later the winds have lessened. The severe storm is over. I can begin to survey the wreckage. Some things are destroyed. It will be a long hard clean-up process. Some things were badly damaged and only time and faith will tell how they can be repaired and survive. There is hope under the destruction. The rock is still there, and the house is fine. The greatest hope comes from knowing God will work it all for my good as I continue to seek Him. As I go about cleaning up I will uncover new growth. There will be new dreams. The clean-up will be painful at times. My faith will be stronger because I have endured the wind.
“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” Song of Solomon 4:16 KJV
I found this verse when I was looking for the title and artist for the song. What a good reminder that it is His garden after all. What does it matter to me what He does with it? I planted it all for Him anyway.

Awake, awake o north wind,

Awake awake o south wind

Blow over me

Come o winds of testing

Come winds of refreshing

Blow over me

Let the winds blow

I won't be afraid

I will face the wind

I won't be afraid

Excerpts from Fling Wide by Misty Edwards